Be Brave? Really?

Recently I have been reading the book Let's All Be Brave: Living Life With Everything You Have by Annie Downs. 

To say it opened my eyes is an understatement.

Honestly, I have always thought that I was made for so much more than being a wife and mother. I thought that I was going to change the world. I thought I was going to go to Haiti. I even read books about what life was like there. I thought I was going to go somewhere. Anywhere.

But instead I am still in the same place I grew up in. It is honestly breaking my heart to even type that. I wanted to be the Mom that took her kids on journeys and adventures.

I really really wanted to change the world.

And then ... I read Annie Downs book.

Don't get me wrong, I still want to change the world. But I am just going to have to change the world around me.

For as long as I can remember I have been holding my breath. Holding it in for anticipation of my real life to start. You know the dreamy life I had pictured in my head.

I held my breath to get married.

I held my breath to have another baby.

I held my breath to be in my own place.

The problem is ... I just keep holding my breath for something better. Something different from the life that I am living.

And here I am ... still living in this town. Jacob even has some teachers that I had when I attended his middle school.

I am struggling with that.

Life right now is a struggle.

We are struggling. We are struggling financially. We are struggling with the fact that we live in this very wealthy area and we can barely make ends meet. When money isn't there, my marriage struggles. Things become chaotic. Life turns into survival mode. Daily activities become difficult. I can honestly feel the tears at the back of my eyes all day. They threaten to fall. I will them to stay put. I struggle with my kids. I take on a part time job and I struggle leaving my babies at home while I am working.

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!

I want new. I want different. I want to get lost driving to a new grocery store. I want life to be easier. I want my husband to not have to work so hard. I want to say yes to a new friend. I just want a reset button so that I could start over ... fresh.

Instead, I will have to lean on God. (Which for me isn't easy.) We may have to let go of some of the comforts we are used to in order to gain a little breathing room. (Buy buy cable.) I may have to keep going to my job. Hudson may have to cry while I am gone because he doesn't like drinking from a bottle. Maysie Grace may have to cry because she misses me. My husband might have to pick up Jacob from soccer practice and get dinner on the table.

But this is just a season.

And right now this is my brave. I have to be brave to face each day uncertain if we will have enough money. I have to be brave and know that I am doing the best thing for my family by staying home.

I am living a life I never planned. And it has required more courage

than I ever thought could fit in this five-foot-six inch frame. Hold on to hope, love.

You are going to survive this, friend.

God has not forgotten you.

Your life and your desires are important to God.  

~Annie Downs

So do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

~Isaiah 41:10